Enough.

So, not only has my HordeBrother Starhelm been chosen by a Pale Horse, but I got the word this morning that my Aunt Barbara has joined the ancestors as of yesterday morning. One unexpected loss, one expected.
To borrow a phrase..."DO NOT WANT!!!!" Two losses in one day is too much.

Barbara is my mom's sister, the one next older than her. She had a massive stroke in February, and was not going to be able to recover, honestly. My one cousin was realistic about the end, but the other was not ready to let go until about a week ago. She finally realized that extreme measures (daily dialysis, large doses of meds, etc.) were not going to help, and that Barb was never going to be able to leave a nursing home. I can only imagine how hard it has been on both the girls.
I'm very glad now that I made it back home for Christmas this past year. Barb had moved back to Jonesville last year, Mom and Uncle Bob share Mom's house there, Uncle Lynn lives across town and Aunt Lois is only about an hour away. That's 5 of the 8 siblings. In order from eldest to youngest, they are: Lois, Frankie (deceased), Bob, Lynn, Irene (deceased), Barbara (now deceased), Beverly (MOM), and John. John's in Colorado, but his son Jeff & family live less than a block from Mom now. My brother Frank and his wife live 5 miles away in the next town. Other cousins are all over the country and world. My family has been in that area of Michigan for 4 generations, at least.
You might have noticed that family is very important to me. Not only the family with which I share DNA, but my families of the heart. My Horde Brothers in the SCA. My brothers and sisters of the pagan communities I belong to. My adopted family on the mountain. My friends who are dear to me and sometimes closer than my blood kin. Even those who have left this world and joined the ancestors are still my kin and kith, and they live on in my memory and the stories we tell each time the family gathers.
But, dammit, I'm tired of these constant reminders of my own increasing age and mortality. My mind knows that these passages will happen, but my heart is never quite ready. Whose heart ever is? I miss each and every one that has left us lately, and am worried lest I forget a name on the growing list. In a few weeks, it will be yet another yahrzeit for a friend gone before. All I can do is remember and be glad for having known all these wonderful people.

I finally found the quote I wanted to share. It's John Donne's "Meditation XVII"...
"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness....No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

Not the blog I'd planned to write!

So, here I was, thinking of posting a nice blog Sunday night with a re-telling of the first stage of building the adobe 'horno' oven. Nope. That post will have to wait a bit. Not because it didn't happen; it did and it was a lot of fun.

No, I ended up going to the UNM Hospital ER Sunday night with the gallbladder attack from Hell. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, honestly, but OMFGs! I even scared my neighbor Roslee (she's an RN) with how bad I was. So she takes me in to the ER, and waits with me. And we waited. And waited. We'd gotten there at about 11 p.m., and they did do some triage and blood draws eventually, but we waited. At about 3 or 4 a.m. the pain had actually passed off, and I was feeling better. Not vomiting anymore, able to form coherent sentences again. Around 8 a.m. (Monday morning) they finally called me back to get checked out. Great, will they believe me now? I'm not hurting anymore, they've done a shift change, so anyone who saw me in pain may have gone home, but okay, I'm here, I want to know what to do.
I got checked over, then got sent up for an ultrasound so they can try to see what's going on in there. At least I was able to get my cell phone shortly after that, and call in to work. At least gonna be late, not sure. Also was able to call some friends and get the support network activated. Mongol juju, Pagan energy of several flavors, and oh, better call my mom... And then I wait some more. Results finally come back, and yeah, we think we'd better get that gallbladder out of there. I really had hoped to avoid surgery, not just for financial reasons, but also because I still had all my original parts and I kinda like that idea! But the more we discussed the options, the more that surgery now seemed to be the intelligent choice. So we'll do it. As soon as we can. Stay here and wait. And wait. Someone sent back a book for me to read, and I did sleep a bit.
One of our local pagan clergy had gotten word of where I was, and came to visit for a bit. That was darned nice. Other folks were calling to check on me, too. Shoot, my cell phone ran out of juice, partially because of the crappy signal. Finally, everything's set and it's time to go upstairs to the OR. This is about 9 p.m, I think? I didn't have my glasses, so couldn't see a clock. All I had with me was my nightie and shoes that I'd worn in, and my phone. I did have someone to bring me clothes for when I got out, thank goodness!
So I had my little chat with the anesthesiologist (no, not the one I know from elsewhere), and she gives me some uber-valium in my I.V. line. That's all I remember till I woke up in recovery at about 4 a.m. with a cotton mouth and a bursting bladder. I was in and out of sleep for a while, but by about 8:30 or 9 this morning, I was up and making trips to the bathroom. By 10 a.m. I was discharged (think I surprised/impressed the nurses) and my ride took me home. I got my stuff together, hit the bank, picked up my drugs at the store, and went to work.
I managed to work from 12:30 to 5:45 today, but by then my brain was getting fuzzy and I decided that "they stuck a fork in me, I'm done" and came home.
Now, remember Roslee taking me in on Sunday night? Well, today was her scheduled surgery! She had a total knee replacement, and was under the knife while I was getting up and out this morning. I guess we're 'surgery sisters' now. Honest, I'd rather not have, and we were joking that I just had to do her one better ;-) Anyway, our friend Kathy came by to check on me, and I rode up to UNMH with her to visit Roslee. She's doing fine, and very glad to have the 'happy drug button' to push.

So here I am, home again, somewhat perforated, rather sore, and hoping that my little drugs will help me sleep tonight. My cats are glad to have me back, too. I will be going to work tomorrow, and should be able to make it through the whole day.
Many thanks to all who have sent well-wishes, and my apologies to those I didn't have a chance to notify beforehand.
Nap tiem nao, yes? Kthxbai!

Stepping outside of the box...

Something completely different today. I am at the Verb Art Collective for the day, as part of the Porque Burque craft show. It's the finale to the art exhibition of the same name, being put on by Duke City Fix, a webgroup I'm involved in.
I didn't have enough money to make dream pillows (HR messed up our paychecks!), so I have my hand-painted tiles for sale, and have set out the Tarot Reader shingle, too.



Okay, I think I've remembered how to put pics in here...
I've made more tiles since I took these pics this morning, and have even made one sale! I'll make sure to get shots of the other tiles, too, don't worry.
My main accomplishment today is to be here doing this. I'm sleep deprived, in over my head, outside my comfort zone, but darn it, I'm here! I guess if I believe that I'm an artist, then I am. I would have been more comfortable having the pillows to sell, too, but the universe had other ideas. Anyway, back to the painting!

Mulberries, munchies and monsters, oh my!

Had a fun-filled day today. It started very early, with me getting up at about 7 a.m. to clean out the truck and meet the rest of the FreeForAllFruit group for mulberry picking. Believe me, after getting home from work around 1 a.m., and to bed later than that, it was an accomplishment to get up after only a few hours of sleep! Five of us met up and headed over to the UNM campus, where we’d earmarked five trees to harvest. We had a couple of ladders, and a couple of us were even up in the trees themselves gathering berries. I haven’t climbed a tree in way too long! Our total haul after about two hours was a good 9 pints of berries, and there are plenty of unripe ones left to go back for. Back to the house, then, and we started sorting and cleaning the fruit. Some fresh to munch on, some to freeze, some to dry and the rest for jam. We had enough to make about 6 pints of jam, so after a quick store run for more sugar and a box of pectin, we did just that. By 12:30, the jam was cooling, the lids were sealing, and we called it a morning.

Next on my agenda were a nap and a shower. Got back up around 5, and Roslee and I went to get a bit of dinner before heading over to Craig’s to watch movies. There were 6 of us for movies, and we watched National Treasure: Book of Secrets (fun) and Tremors (wonderfully cheesy fun!). We had thought about watching the original Indiana Jones movie, but since National Treasure had come in, we went with that one. So now it’s about 1:30 a.m., and I’m back home. Bedtime as soon as I wind down, I think. But I wanted to blog about the berry-picking, at the very least.

Tomorrow, I’ll try to make some bread to go under my mulberry jam! I also need to get supplies for my projects for next weekend's craft fair and get started on those. Whee!

Yeah, I'm here.

Finally getting some of my energy back. Between the weather, my allergies (who knew?), stress, and a lovely little 'black-dog-depression', it's been a tough couple of weeks. I think the planets are beginning to get back in line, though, and I'm feeling better.
The late training shift I've been on for the last couple of weeks hasn't helped, either. 4 p.m. to 12:30 a.m. is a crappy shift in many ways, and by the end of the night, most of the class is pretty brain-dead! Luckily, we're ahead of schedule overall as far as getting through the curriculum for the Consumer Data Services dept. Yeah, CDS...tech support for PDAs and Smartphones, like Blackberry, Palm and such. I have a geek job. Wow.
To top it off, we *do* have to work Monday, Memorial Day. If I'd been there for 6 months, I'd get double time and a half. As it is, I'll be getting time and a half, since I'm working. If I wasn't working, I'd get nothing at all! So, yeah, I'll work...no problem... It'll probably be an easy day, anyway, as many of us will be tired from the weekend.
So, tomorrow's payday. We're doing a potluck at work, that'll be cool. There's a gas grill out back that we can use, and a cookout sounds like fun. We had thought of just getting food from a local BBQ joint, but that was going to be too much food and money. I'm the only vegetarian in the class, but there will be enough side dishes to keep me happy, and I may pick up a pack of Boca Burgers or Veggie Dogs for myself. My contribution is some sodas and a bucket of ice cream for Root Beer Floats. Yum!
Today, I've made some yummy Pad Thai for dinner (packing for later), a batch of Molasses Crybaby cookies for work, and am watching a couple of good shows on the History Channel in between things. One on "The Dark Ages", which kinda annoyed me in its biased view (anti-viking), and a better one on Chinggis Khan. Yay, Mongols!
So there's the latest glimpse into my bi-polar life (I'm not bi-polar, just my life).

Wow, what a Beltane! (very long)

This weekend was the big Beltane gathering out here. Wow. 350 people all camping together in a Forest. It wasn't till I got to talking with some of the others that I realized that this is not only my first Beltane here, but also the first time I've ever been to a large-scale pagan gathering like this. I never made it to Pan-Pagan in Indiana!
So, here’s how most of my weekend went….
I'd been feeling a bit icky all week, mainly allergies, I think. The usual scratchy throat and a bit of fever from being tired. But I wasn't gonna miss this event! I got all my stuff packed, loaded, and cooked in plenty of time to head out Friday to the campsite. It's only about half an hour away, but of course it feels like longer if you don't know quite where you're going! I found the area of the Cibola National Forest that we were going to be in, and the minute I hit the borders of the "Beltane Village", I could feel the energy shift. I found a spot to set up my tent, got registered and signed up for my volunteer shifts. It's been forever since I've used a dome tent, and this one was new to me, so that was an interesting exercise in itself. I hadn't had time to put it up in the backyard to test it, either. Luckily, everything worked fine, and the tent is big enough to stand up in. Of course, I'm still missing some of my usual camping amenities, but I had enough stuff to be comfortable for a weekend.
Off to explore the site, then, and it's a nice area. There's a sea of concrete with lots of concrete picnic tables, and people liked to gather there, but the main center of activity was the big clearing that served as the ritual area. The merchants area was close to where I'd camped, and there were clusters of campers all through the area we had. It was a bit odd not being able to have fires other than campstoves or propane, but under the circumstances it was wise. Despite all the snow over the winter, it has been a very dry spring, and there's a major wildfire going on about 20 miles south of where we were. Nobody's taking any chances!
Fortunately, propane was okay, so that's what we had for our Balefire. We dug a fire pit, laid in a rectangular burner (pipes w/holes) and covered it with rocks and lava rocks. I helped dig the hole and the trench for the hose that ran to the propane tank. When we lit it, it worked really well.
Friday evening was the Opening Ritual. It was neat to be in such a huge circle. After ritual, we got out the drums and instruments and such and gathered around the firepit for a Bardic Circle. I was still feeling icky, and already losing my voice, but I managed to get one song out before I lost it completely. I sang one of my originals, "Drummer Boy", and it was very well received, even without having my full voice. It was so cold that I couldn't get my fingers to work on my guitar, so I just sang it unaccompanied. For my second turn, I just played a tune on my tinwhistle.
After bardic, we got out the drums and the dancers showed up. How some of these gals were able to run around topless in that weather, I'll never know. Even if I'd been feeling 100 percent, I'd have been cold! Anyway, I eventually ended up joining the dancers in order to get closer to the fire and get warm. We passed around all sorts of drink, and I shared out the last remaining good meads from Indiana. It was my way of partying with all my friends in both places. It must have worked well, because I was certainly feeling no pain after a while. Then again, it might have been the brownies, too. Chocolate, mead, drumming, cute guys...oh, yeah, it's Beltane!!
My favorite lad had been there earlier in the day, but couldn't stay the weekend, darn the luck. At least I got to see him at all, because he said he'd just shown up on a lark! Thank you, Universe, for putting the idea in his head! We hung out a bit, and he had his guitar with him, so some of us ended up singing along while he played. That was awesome. Anyway, he'd left even before the opening ritual, so I was missing him, but having fun anyway.
One of the other drummers and I were getting along pretty well, even before he found out that I had bourbon to share. We'd hung out a bit at Ostara, too, talking music and such. Anyway, the circle was winding down, and when we stood up, we realized that we probably should have quit drinking a bit earlier than we had. He was in worse shape than I, so of course I had to make sure he got home safely. ;-) Okay, so I didn't know where his tent was...and he seemed to be quite disoriented...but after a slight detour, we found it and I left him safely tucked in. I headed back to my own tent after stopping back at the circle to make sure the fire was properly turned off.
One word for that night...COLD!!! I crawled into my bed fully dressed, covered my head and tried to get warm. I eventually fell asleep, then woke to find out that Mother Nature was going to add her own lovely twist to the weekend. Dammit, that wasn't supposed to start till Tuesday!! Grrrr.... Out of the relative warmth of the bed, out to the latrines, change clothes when I got back, back to bed. Feh. Oh, well, it'll keep me out of trouble, I guess. Dammit.
Saturday morning, I think I got up out of self-defense, just so I could go find a sunny spot to warm up in. I was surprised to find that even though I'd slept in my contact lenses, they weren't bugging me at all. A bit of saline in the eyes and good to go. The main ritual was set for noonish, and by then I was feeling thawed out. I had gone to the med tent in hopes of something to help me feel better, and had ended up with a mug of hot Gypsy Cold Care tea. It really helped, and the heat felt good on my raw throat. I still didn't have much voice, but at least I didn't feel as feverish. A bunch of us had already started drumming while the crew was digging the hole for the maypole. Four feet deep this year, so it wouldn't fall over. The pole is quite the piece of work. It's about 25 feet long or so, about 8 inches diameter at the base, tapering up to about 3 inch diameter where the wrought iron crown fits on. It's beautifully carved, with the bottom made to look like a phallus, and words spiraling around the shaft. The guy who brought it down from its storage place (on top of his pickup truck) said he got quite the reaction driving through town on the way....I can only imagine!
The ritual was really cool, a dramatization of a god and goddess searching in the four directions for wisdom from other deities about their purpose (of course, it's love...) and then they brought in the maypole. All the men went to fetch it, and they bore it into the circle with the outgoing May Queen riding atop it. The pole was crowned and set upright amidst great cheers. The winding of the pole was so much like the way we do it at Live Oak, not so much for the size of the group, but the way we still manage to make it look good in spite of the missteps in the dance. Kinda like life, I suppose. I did get up from my drum and weave a bit, and was in on the last wraps. Lots of good energy. Then the new May King and Queen were chosen. Couldn't happen to a nicer couple. (One of these years, maybe it'll be my lad and me....maybe.)
After ritual, the feast! Big potluck, mostly cooked ahead, but not all of it. They had split up the list of what to bring by Sign Elements. I'm a Fire Sign, so dessert....cookies, naturally. I think people were still noshing on leftovers till after dark! I took advantage of being warm and full-tummied, and headed back to my tent for a nice nap.
In the evening, we set up and lit the firepit for the Balefire. Another nice ritual, and then the fire jumping began. I managed to make a decent leap, I think, but I was really hurting by this time, so I went back to drumming and trying to stay warm. I actually had another fellow ask me to jump the fire with him! How about that? Here I am, a cold, painful, bleeding mess, and I've got somebody hitting on me? How the heck did that happen? I mean, this is me! Attention from two cute guys in one weekend??? Well, I hobbled up and we stepped over the fire, since I was really stiff from sitting. I explained my feeling icky, and he was quite understanding about it. I did get a nice backrub, though, and that helped a lot. I was able to stay out and drum a while longer, but by the time the dancing started in earnest after dark, I was just too dead to do anything, even after my nap. So I turned in early, all bundled up and with my hat on.
From what someone said Sunday morning, it got down to about 23 degrees F that night. No wonder I was cold! Thank the gods for hot pancakes and coffee for breakfast! After a couple cups of java, I actually got most of my voice back, too. It was a nice mellow morning, hanging out with folks, getting and giving lots of hugs and kisses.

Closing ritual at noon, then down comes the maypole. That was a lot of work, especially getting the rocks out that had been used to keep the pole steady in its hole. The ribbon ends had been trimmed off by then, and people were gathering them for souvenirs. I got some, and am going to send a piece up to my mountain lad, along with copies of the pics I took of the new King and Queen. The ribbon wrappings are removed from the pole in one piece, and the newly-crowned May Queen gets to keep them forever, holding that energy for the community during the coming year. Pretty neat.
After that, it was time to tear down and pack up. It didn't take me long, as I had already done a fair amount of prep work already. I helped some of the others, and spent a bit more time with my drummer friend from Friday night. Then back to the real world, and a Bubonicon Con-Com meeting. How's that for a mental shift?

So, there's my weekend in relatively short form. Of course, I'm not telling you everything! In spite of feeling like crap for a good portion of it, I did have a good time overall. There are other events coming up, and I'm looking forward to them, now that I'm feeling more a part of the community out here. I've made more friends, and that's always good. It reminds me of how I felt when I first found Live Oak. I'm finding a new home, and while I sure do miss the old home, it's good to be here.

My eyes hurt...

I don't know if it's the contact lenses, the dry weather, the wind, allergies or all of the above, but my eyes are bugging me a lot this week. Neither my glasses nor my contacts are the right prescription anymore, and I know that doesn't help. So I'll rest my eyes a bit by wearing my glasses for a couple of days, even though I end up taking them off when I'm working on the computers.
The most frustrating thing is that I'm having trouble focusing. I need the glasses or contacts to see far, but now neither do any good for anything within a couple of feet. I can manage, but it's blurry. The contacts are actually doing better for work, as I can adjust the computer there to be able to read it enough to work, and still see the rest of the room. But I can't read a book or write very well. With the glasses, I have almost the same problem, so do my close up work without them. I dread going to the eye doctor (whenever I can manage to do that) because I really am not mentally ready for bifocals! I also worry about things like glaucoma, since there's a bit of family history of it. I really hope I can get laser surgery someday, even if I still end up with reading glasses
The dry windy weather is really kicking in now. There are wildfire watches all across the state, and at least one big fire that's got people worried. Add in the pollen from who knows what's blooming right now, and it seems like everyone's sneezing these days. I'm drinking extra water, too, just to stay hydrated. Chapped lips are no fun at all!

Looking forward, I'm trying to get my act together for next weekend's Beltane campout. I'm working every day till then so I can get my hours in and still have the weekend off. I just got a tent given to me, and I have to see what condition it's in. Hope it's in good enough shape to get me through the weekend! I'm a bit nervous about going to a new event, but excited, too. I'm hoping a certain friend of mine will be there, but haven't heard anything (no surprise there). I just hope I can stay comfortable and have a good fun time.

Interesting side note: A year ago, at this time, I was on my vacation out here in NM, staying at the mountain home for the first time. Looking over the past year, I am stunned at the whirlwind I've been riding. I know the ride's far from over, too, but hopefully it will be a bit less hectic at some point! Just goes to show that you never can tell what's coming your way!